When the Cares of my Heart are Many...

I had a relatively minor upset recently. I found out that a guy I was interested in liked someone else.  I was starting to believe that he liked me back. I used the term "relatively" on purpose.  In the grand scheme of things, I recognize this is a minuscule issue, a small bump in the road on the way to ultimate glory.  But right now, it hurts.  And it hurts even more to admit that it hurts.

I, like much of humanity, have an awful lot of pride.  I hate opening myself up to rejection because I hate dealing with the reality of it.  If I never allow myself to be vulnerable to it, I'll never have to grapple with the reasons I'm being rejected.  To make matters worse, I hate admitting to myself that I care about the trivial, self-centered things I'm supposing I'm being rejected for or that I'm not impervious to the sting of rejection.  I want to pretend that I'm too spiritually mature, too content in Christ to let these things get to me. But the truth is, I'm not. Lying to myself rather than dealing with the questions rejection raises will shrivel up my soul, though it perhaps provides temporary relief from the pain.

In all honesty, I wonder what I'm doing wrong.  The thought that it's simply because I'm not physically attractive enough honestly terrifies me.  Maybe I'm not intelligent enough or spiritual enough or charming enough or funny enough.  The list goes on.  And the reality is that all of these things could very well be true.  I simply may not be what this particular person is looking for, and in his eyes, it could be for all those reasons.

The solution can't be to try to boost my self-esteem with "positive self-talk" or by reading some self-help books.  I'll never be able to convince myself that I possess all of these qualities that are first of all, extremely subjective, and second of all impossible to embody completely.  There has to be a deeper consolation, some truth that transcends all of the trite, superficial solutions we tend to employ.  Scripture, I believe, offers the hope that this type consolation does indeed exist and is available to us in Christ Jesus.

"If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." (Psa 94:17-19)

There is a myriad of biblical truth accessible to me through the revelation of the Holy Spirit.  I don't think it's possible for me to unpack all of the truths that would address my insecurities and my pains.  For now, it's enough to know the Lord is my help.  He himself is my consolation.  Every truth I can name is simply an outflow of his character.  I'm not going to shy away from answering the questions that come to mind in rejection.  I'm going to embrace them and, by the grace of God, I'll experience the type of refinement that burns away impurity leaving behind solid gold.  And it will be an eternal and glorious solution to a temporary, minuscule problem.


P.S. I'll hopefully address the questions that rejection raises and their corresponding truths in a later blog post.  I'm kind of still trying to figure that out. Ha!

The Last 2 Years of My Life in an Extremely Vague Nutshell

A LOT of things have happened since my last post. No surprise there, considering my last post was over 2 years ago. Rather than bore you with the details, let's just say my world was pretty much turned upside down. (Let the reader note that the previous statement should be understood within the context of my long standing tendency to put too much stock in my church experience....I switched churches...that's all that happened. The chain of events that caused me to switch churches, however, could literally be made into a bestselling novel...a dramatic novel...or a soap opera....it was intense) I wanted to make it a point to say how dramatically different I am today than I was two years ago but now that I'm really reflecting on it, I must conclude that I've only experienced a dramatic external change. The driving force behind who I am and what I believe has really only been fortified. Or maybe not fortified, but stripped bare. Much of the proverbial chaff in my life has been burned off and what's left over, though simple and perhaps unimpressive, is nonetheless the only thing that's essential. You guessed it, my faith in Christ, in its most threadbare and unassuming form to date. Maybe. Although the task of rediscovering how this faith informs and, indeed, transforms my day to day life looms dauntingly before me, there's a beautiful simplicity in the gospel that I had previously forgotten (or maybe never really understood) taking hold of my soul.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I feel like all I know of Christ right now is that invitation. Besides, of course, the cross which makes that invitation possible in the first place. I don't have the slightest idea how that's supposed to play itself out in my life. And I'm sure that sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not! Well, it's a slight exaggeration. I obviously haven't magically erased everything I've learned from the bible in the past, but I have a much looser grip on everything, excepting the things I've just mentioned, than I've ever had before. I'm seeing many of the truths of scripture with new eyes. At this point, I'm thinking my blog writing is going to take a turn. And by that, I don't ONLY mean that I'm actually going to write in it now. I think when I started this blog, I was hoping to inform or encourage other people out of my own study of scripture and spiritual experience. While I don't think there's anything wrong with that, I don't know that I can continue to write in that way. I find myself feeling so inadequate now, so confused about how to properly understand Christ and the fullness of life he offers that, while I hope my readers can find some information/encouragement from my writings, I can't make that my aim. My aim in life is to discover Christ, to know him deeply and love him fully and allow my life to become lost in his. My aim in my writing for this blog has be the same, otherwise it will be coming from a place of pretense rather than a place of honesty. I'm inviting the reader along for the ride. It's mostly for my own sake, because, let's face it, no one reads this blog. So from this point forward, take what I say with a grain of salt. Youthful angst will abound, seriously misguided/misinformed/misconstrued statements will muddy the waters of my musings. (Whoa! Unintentional alliteration folks! You're welcome!) But if I'm to trust the man who spoke those life-giving words to the laborer, I've got to believe my Counselor will be leading me all the way. Breaking me, building me, disciplining me, and encouraging me until I don't look like me any more. I'll look like him, and I'll be complete.

P.S. ^^^ Did you notice that this last sentence is a subtle reference to my first blog entry on the meaning of my blog title? Prolly not cuz it was so subtle. Epic ending Anny, just epic. :)