Consolations that Cheer the Soul Pt 1: God's Foundational Goodness

As is customary, I will be starting this post by talking about how long it's been since my last blog entry.  It's been a long time.  But curiously, I'm once again in a similar situation as before: face to face with rejection and grappling with the messages it sends me.  Since my last post, I've been experiencing God's grace in my life like never before.  I mean that.  I literally have experienced his grace in ways I never knew existed.  Having reached resignation to the fact that I will never be able to rid myself of every evil motive, ill-will, misplaced emotion, etc has positioned my heart in the perfect place to be flooded by grace.  Namely, a posture of humility and a deepened understanding of my dependency on Christ.  All that to say, I'm starting to see the next test of faith my all-knowing Teacher is assigning me.  In his wisdom, he's leading me to open myself to vulnerability and pain as I allow myself to fall for a wonderful, sweet man of God.  The pain has already started and the risk I'm taking by not running away from this relationship is just becoming all too apparent.  However, I'm completely gripped by the confidence God has given me that this is going to be worth it.  I don't mean to say that I think I'm going to end up with him, I mean that no matter the outcome, I know it will be worth it and I've already begun to see why.

1.)  God's goal for my life is to know him, not to get married, have kids, and live in a big house with a white picket fence.  Don't get me wrong, the way he brings that about may very well be to give me all those things.  The distinction comes from understanding and viewing those good gifts of God as a means rather than an end in and of themselves.  I am here on this planet to know Christ and bear the fruit that flows from that transformational relationship.  Everything that happens in my life needs to be understood as a means of furthering that purpose, including marriage.

2.)  Ultimately, knowing Christ is the only thing that will be able to satisfy me fully for all eternity.  As God orders and ordains events in my life, I will inevitably feel the painful effects of the fall in my heart.  I will desire things other than God's will for my life and it will hurt when I don't receive them.  The comfort I can cling to in those situations is that my emotions will not always be a reflection of reality.  My felt needs will be different from my actual needs and God's wisdom and love is trustworthy enough to allow myself to be subjected to longing and heart break while I wait for what God deems best for my life.  As a matter of fact, I can trust that the pain itself is what's best for me at that moment.  The reason I can say this with such confidence is that being in right relationship with the Creator is what man was created for.  To come into deeper communion with God satisfies the deepest longing in the heart of every man (whether or not we know it) and fulfills the purpose for which we were made. We may not always feel satisfied in Christ, but it doesn't change the fact that he is the only thing that ever can satisfy us.

3.)  God's grace is sufficient for me, even when I think it's not.  As I've already mentioned, our emotions can sometimes mislead us.  Just because I feel at times, like some things are too painful to endure doesn't make it true.  There is a kind of rest that comes only from learning to depend on and trust God's promises more than our emotions and human understanding of a given situation.

I think what I'm getting at here is that opening myself up to pain as I abide in Christ and learn to walk in obedience to him is worth it because God is good.  Any and all consolation I receive flows from his goodness and is meant to ultimately lead me back to him in an ever-deepening, trust relationship based on his goodness.  In this way, God's character as an all-sufficient, perfect Savior is the foundation on which every other consolation we can glean from it is based.  As we seek to know the depths of the riches of his mercies, we can confidently face, not only rejection, but the all the other painful situations that result from living in a fallen world.  Why?

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

When the Cares of my Heart are Many...

I had a relatively minor upset recently. I found out that a guy I was interested in liked someone else.  I was starting to believe that he liked me back. I used the term "relatively" on purpose.  In the grand scheme of things, I recognize this is a minuscule issue, a small bump in the road on the way to ultimate glory.  But right now, it hurts.  And it hurts even more to admit that it hurts.

I, like much of humanity, have an awful lot of pride.  I hate opening myself up to rejection because I hate dealing with the reality of it.  If I never allow myself to be vulnerable to it, I'll never have to grapple with the reasons I'm being rejected.  To make matters worse, I hate admitting to myself that I care about the trivial, self-centered things I'm supposing I'm being rejected for or that I'm not impervious to the sting of rejection.  I want to pretend that I'm too spiritually mature, too content in Christ to let these things get to me. But the truth is, I'm not. Lying to myself rather than dealing with the questions rejection raises will shrivel up my soul, though it perhaps provides temporary relief from the pain.

In all honesty, I wonder what I'm doing wrong.  The thought that it's simply because I'm not physically attractive enough honestly terrifies me.  Maybe I'm not intelligent enough or spiritual enough or charming enough or funny enough.  The list goes on.  And the reality is that all of these things could very well be true.  I simply may not be what this particular person is looking for, and in his eyes, it could be for all those reasons.

The solution can't be to try to boost my self-esteem with "positive self-talk" or by reading some self-help books.  I'll never be able to convince myself that I possess all of these qualities that are first of all, extremely subjective, and second of all impossible to embody completely.  There has to be a deeper consolation, some truth that transcends all of the trite, superficial solutions we tend to employ.  Scripture, I believe, offers the hope that this type consolation does indeed exist and is available to us in Christ Jesus.

"If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." (Psa 94:17-19)

There is a myriad of biblical truth accessible to me through the revelation of the Holy Spirit.  I don't think it's possible for me to unpack all of the truths that would address my insecurities and my pains.  For now, it's enough to know the Lord is my help.  He himself is my consolation.  Every truth I can name is simply an outflow of his character.  I'm not going to shy away from answering the questions that come to mind in rejection.  I'm going to embrace them and, by the grace of God, I'll experience the type of refinement that burns away impurity leaving behind solid gold.  And it will be an eternal and glorious solution to a temporary, minuscule problem.


P.S. I'll hopefully address the questions that rejection raises and their corresponding truths in a later blog post.  I'm kind of still trying to figure that out. Ha!

The Last 2 Years of My Life in an Extremely Vague Nutshell

A LOT of things have happened since my last post. No surprise there, considering my last post was over 2 years ago. Rather than bore you with the details, let's just say my world was pretty much turned upside down. (Let the reader note that the previous statement should be understood within the context of my long standing tendency to put too much stock in my church experience....I switched churches...that's all that happened. The chain of events that caused me to switch churches, however, could literally be made into a bestselling novel...a dramatic novel...or a soap opera....it was intense) I wanted to make it a point to say how dramatically different I am today than I was two years ago but now that I'm really reflecting on it, I must conclude that I've only experienced a dramatic external change. The driving force behind who I am and what I believe has really only been fortified. Or maybe not fortified, but stripped bare. Much of the proverbial chaff in my life has been burned off and what's left over, though simple and perhaps unimpressive, is nonetheless the only thing that's essential. You guessed it, my faith in Christ, in its most threadbare and unassuming form to date. Maybe. Although the task of rediscovering how this faith informs and, indeed, transforms my day to day life looms dauntingly before me, there's a beautiful simplicity in the gospel that I had previously forgotten (or maybe never really understood) taking hold of my soul.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I feel like all I know of Christ right now is that invitation. Besides, of course, the cross which makes that invitation possible in the first place. I don't have the slightest idea how that's supposed to play itself out in my life. And I'm sure that sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not! Well, it's a slight exaggeration. I obviously haven't magically erased everything I've learned from the bible in the past, but I have a much looser grip on everything, excepting the things I've just mentioned, than I've ever had before. I'm seeing many of the truths of scripture with new eyes. At this point, I'm thinking my blog writing is going to take a turn. And by that, I don't ONLY mean that I'm actually going to write in it now. I think when I started this blog, I was hoping to inform or encourage other people out of my own study of scripture and spiritual experience. While I don't think there's anything wrong with that, I don't know that I can continue to write in that way. I find myself feeling so inadequate now, so confused about how to properly understand Christ and the fullness of life he offers that, while I hope my readers can find some information/encouragement from my writings, I can't make that my aim. My aim in life is to discover Christ, to know him deeply and love him fully and allow my life to become lost in his. My aim in my writing for this blog has be the same, otherwise it will be coming from a place of pretense rather than a place of honesty. I'm inviting the reader along for the ride. It's mostly for my own sake, because, let's face it, no one reads this blog. So from this point forward, take what I say with a grain of salt. Youthful angst will abound, seriously misguided/misinformed/misconstrued statements will muddy the waters of my musings. (Whoa! Unintentional alliteration folks! You're welcome!) But if I'm to trust the man who spoke those life-giving words to the laborer, I've got to believe my Counselor will be leading me all the way. Breaking me, building me, disciplining me, and encouraging me until I don't look like me any more. I'll look like him, and I'll be complete.

P.S. ^^^ Did you notice that this last sentence is a subtle reference to my first blog entry on the meaning of my blog title? Prolly not cuz it was so subtle. Epic ending Anny, just epic. :)

Gomer's Gospel: Why I Named my Blog After a Harlot of Biblical Proportions

It's official.  Women's ministry coordinators across the U.S. are in an uproar over my tasteless choice in titles.  At least they would be if they read my "commentary on life and theology from a feminine perspective."  So you're probably wondering why this characteristically demure and unassuming young blog writer would choose to so stir these imaginary waters.  Disregarding the accuracy of my self-description, allow me to answer that question with a brief history of my blogging endeavors leading up to the crescendo that is my decision to start this blog.

It all started not too long ago when I decided to start blogging as an outlet for my creative inclinations, small though they may be.  I always wanted an avenue by which I could share with the world all of the wonderful things the Lord has been teaching me as He leads me through this crazy winding road we call existence.  Given my passion for ministry toward women specifically, I wanted to write a blog geared toward them that was free of the emotionalism and man centered "theology" that too often permeates much of the westernized Christian approaches to women's ministry.  Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a blog title that fit the job description.  I know what you're thinking, "What's in a name?" Right?  Well a lot apparently!  I ended up titling my blog something embarrassing and moving on with my life.  A serious case of writer's block ensued.  Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to write entries on topics that didn't quite mesh with my title!  I eventually abandoned that whole track, disappointed with the light and fluffy garbage I was churning out.

As things in my life became increasingly hectic, I began noticing a strong desire to write rising in me again.  So this time, I googled "blog titles" eventually arriving at an e-how article on how to brainstorm for titles.  One of the ideas was to make a list of songs that resonate with you for inspiration.  Given my current state of feeling like a spiritual harlot, I immediately thought of Brooke Fraser's Hosea's Wife.  Throwing copyright laws out the window, I logged on to blogger.com and attempted to create my brand new blog.  Unfortunately, someone else decided to disregard copyright laws before I did.  Then it hit me: Gomer's Gospel.  Upon quickly researching the etymology behind the name "Gomer," I stumbled upon a website that describes the name as follows:

"The name Gomer comes from the verb (gamar 363). This verb occurs only five times (all in the Psalms; 12:2, 77:9, 138:8, 7:10 & 57:3) and has the basic meaning of to complete, finish..."

I couldn't believe my eyes!  You may or may not have noticed that I somewhat nonchalantly referenced my spiritual state as being one of harlotry.  Essentially, my struggles with sin have led me to what I believed to be the absolute precipice of despair.  I thought I could no longer find it in me to continue the warfare against the flesh; I thought that God had alas grown impatient with my hardness of heart and sort of, "gave [me] up in the lusts of [my heart] to impurity."  Feeling confident of this, I was ready to give up.  However, Hosea's dealings with his adulterous wife, Gomer, have always been a source of encouragement and hope for me.  Reflected in that incredible portrait of the infidelity of God's people contrasted with the relentless love and faithfulness of the Lord was an image bearing an uncanny resemblance to my own walk with Jesus.

All of a sudden, I remembered that my salvation and the free love I received from the Lord of Hosts himself was just that, free.  It was never based on my performance and therefore would never be lost on the basis of my infidelity toward Him.  Just as Hosea took his wife back after repeated adulterous romps, so God would take his covenant people back time and time again and would one day strip them of their idolatry once and for all.  And the meaning behind the name, "Gomer" brought an entirely new and unexpected dimension to this beloved story, namely, the promise of "completion."

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  (Php 1:6)

Given the current state of affairs in much of the American Church these days, I can think of no better hope to look toward than the hope emulated by the tragic romance of Hosea and his wife.  Far from treading down the well-worn path of looking to one's own worth to find satisfaction and fulfillment, the book of Hosea points us toward a Savior whose merit is meritorious enough for Himself and for His bride.  This is the gospel in its most raw and extravagant form.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."
(1Jn 4:10)

And God finishes what he starts.  That's a promise.  The perceived level of sinful inclinations in the heart of any given believer has no bearing on that promise.  And that my friends, is good news indeed.  Hence the name, Gomer's Gospel.